My words My voice My Choice

Whats going on right now.

2011-08-05T12:54:00.002-04:00

Whats going on right now....
I have been laid off from work for training purposes. After today I will be late on rent may have to move again. Yet I am not even late yet. I am over qualified for any work I want and under qualified for work I need. Jessie is a little over a month away from giving birth to my son, and yet i am not even sure if we will be living here because of my bad luck. And to top it all off... I have medical issues again. But even through all this. I still feel I am the luckiest man in the world to have Jessie and Zoe and our little one on the way. I have great friends and awesome people in my life. I thank god for all of it. I wont let this beat me. Ill be back to work in a month with the company that laid me off, but till then any work anyone may know of please send my way. Also if anyone wants to invest in my company all I need is 10k and Ill have our software completed in a month and selling asap. ROI is pretty good.

PS

2011-03-09T20:04:00.002-05:00

Even though she makes me so mad and we hurt each other so much... I still love my baby's momma. :)

scratch that..

2011-03-09T20:03:00.000-05:00

I am starting my lent diet today. but I do not know why people treat me one way then behind my back talk about me. I just want people to be open honest and to my face.

People think I am shady. That I am not to be trusted. That I control people. That I am a bad person.
When in all honesty I shouldnt care what people say it still hurts. Through everything I have went through, I have had one person I feel I can count on to be honest and to my face about things... Thats Calvin.... Today someone decided to through that into question.

I asked Calvin about it. He told me he did not say the thing the other person said he did. So because I trust him thats all I needed to hear. But this person who said it and who it was said to.... I am mad and hurt. I have feelings and when I am down I wear them on my sleeve. So its no ones fault but my own.

The world would be a better place if people just had a sign over there head showing what they really think. Ill be honest. Mine will show I want to be comfortable, that I want whats best for everyone and myself. I am a selfish person I know I am. But at the same time I hate thinking I do things for my own good that might hurt someone else. If I ever do this I would hope someone comes to me and says hey Mike, this hurt. I didn't appreciate this.

I decided to just let people be to have there issues. Everyone does. If you include me in your issues then tell me. If someone else includes me in there issues being shared with you. Cool cool but do not say things about me you have no base in fact on. You can be there for a friend with out throwing your other friend under the bus. It hurts. regardless of why you say what you say. It hurts. You can act like the big person in something but it doesn't change anything.

So as for my social life with friends on facebook. This is my new rule. I am turning off my wall. I have messaging only and I am blocking my friends feeds. If a friend wants me they can message me or even email or omg call my phone or even send a text. I will not be keeping up with people anymore. I can not even keep up with my self and my own family and love ones. Social is only as good as the people being social. I seem to be a bad person. So I am removing myself. This is one less way for people to hurt me.

If I ever find out Calvin is two faced and is really saying shit about me it will kill me. Not that he is saying shit, but that he lied to me and or hid it from me.

anyways to my diet blog. Instead of making a new blog I will just use this one for not.

Till next time MikeZ

so...

2011-03-09T14:09:00.000-05:00

Ok last Sat was Calvins 28th birthday and it was a fun filled night but bittersweet. With out going to into any detail earyl sat morning me and Jess the future mother of my child broke up... I love the girl to death but for us to work out we both need to learn to adapt and be nice to each other in fights and just love each other. She went to her moms for a few days but came back home last night and its wierd and we will see. We talk but I can tell shes restraining herself.

But future posts will keep from that subject for the time being.

Lent is upon us and all future posts will focus on that till after I am done. I think I may start a new blog and just focus on that on it. hmmm yes thats a godo idea.

Till next time.
MikeZ

Do not tell the truth

2011-02-24T12:43:00.001-05:00

Its a setup for a fight. If your in a discussion and your being openly honest about everything, its just going to come back and slap you in the face.

Today during a talk with Jess we were getting along fine when somehow we got to the subject of why I skirt around conversations with her and just not come out with whats on my mind in the past. I told her the truth because that is what were supposed to be doing.

I told her how she talks to me sometimes in conversations kind of gives me the whole being scalded by the school teacher feeling.

She told me she doesnt talk to me any different than she does anyone else and that I must have some other type of issue going on. I told her the issue was how she talked to me in conversation. She just did not get it and as she took offense to what I was saying, she started doing the one thing she said she did not do, told me it was my problem and not hers and that she doesn't know what I am talking about.

Yet there she was doing it again talking down to me telling me I didn't know what i was talking about. As I tried to talk to her more she just shut down, got mad and told me not to talk to her anymore today and that were not even friends.

How are we supposed to work things out if she doesn't see that I was talking about how I felt, and It was how she made me feel when she talked to me. Not just shut down and walk away yelling at me.

I am proud to say I didn't get mad, it just made me sad. She told me she wanted to know what bothered me.... She just did not like the fact it was how she talked to me sometimes.

Granted I am guilty of doing the same thing but I am trying to get better and not avoid things.. She just isn't helping me with this right now. Funny thing is she told me I was to sensitive and it was me. I remember telling her the same issue in the past when she used to tell me I talked down to her. Now it seems to be a role reversal.

Just needed to vent...

MikeZ

A lot of things happened since the last update...

2011-02-20T16:53:00.000-05:00

A rollercoaster doesnt have as many twists and turns as my life.. So good and bad news.

Good news is me and Jessie are having a baby. Well more Jess is than me and her lol.

Her hormones and emotions are raging and I can not seem to be strong enough to keep up and I am getting tore down more and more.

My emotions are spent so many hurtful words thrown back and forth and were both guilty. I dont know if our relationship will survive.

No one is right in this. So i wont try to sway anyone to my side. It sucks in general.

But maybe good will come from this, who knows.. till next time.

MikeZ

Insurance

2011-01-23T13:03:00.000-05:00

So once again I am denied health insurance or my rate is unbelievable. Universal Health Care needs to get here asap.

Dear Mr. Gaines,
Thanks for submitting an application for Blue Options HSA through Blue Cross and Blue Shield of North
Carolina (BCBSNC).
The underwriting decision on your application is now complete. The following decision is based on the
application details you submitted on January 18, 2011, with a requested effective date of February 1,
2011.
This letter is being provided to applicants who have been medically declined for Individual health
insurance through BCBSNC. If you'd like information about other options available to you through
BCBSNC, please call 1-800-324-4973, Monday - Friday, 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.
In response to your application for individual health insurance coverage, you have received from Blue
Cross and Blue Shield of North Carolina, (i) a notice of a denial of coverage or (ii) an offer of coverage
with a conditional rider that limits the coverage. We are therefore required to inform you that you may be
eligible for health insurance coverage through the North Carolina Health Insurance Risk Pool, known as
"Inclusive Health."
Inclusive Health is a state subsidized health insurance coverage option for individuals with pre-existing
medical conditions who either are unable to qualify for or cannot find more affordable individual health
insurance coverage. Inclusive Health's premiums are not based on specific medical conditions and are
capped by law. You cannot be rejected by Inclusive Health because of health conditions.
You may contact the North Carolina Health Insurance Risk Pool for information on specific eligibility
criteria and the type of benefit plans available at:
North Carolina Health Insurance Risk Pool, dba Inclusive Health
P.O. Box 30909
Applicant: Underwriting Decision:
Michael Gaines Medically IneligibleRaleigh, NC 27622
866-665-2117
www.inclusivehealth.org
The Consumer Services Division of the North Carolina Department of Insurance is available to assist you
with your questions about health insurance. You may contact the Consumer Services Division at:
North Carolina Department of Insurance - Consumer Services Division
1201 Mail Service Center
Raleigh, NC 27699-1201
800-546-5664 - in North Carolina only
919-807-6750 - outside North Carolina
We thank you for your interest in Blue Cross and Blue Shield of North Carolina. BCBSNC recommends
that you print a copy of this letter for your records.
Sincerely,
Individual Sales
Blue Cross and Blue Shield of North CarolinaPO Box 2291 · Durham, NC 27702-2291
An Independent Licensee of the Blue Cross and Blue Shield Association

P64, 9/10
Adverse Underwriting Decisions
Members or applicants have 90 business days from the date of the mailing of notice or other
communication of an adverse underwriting decision to write Blue Cross and Blue Shield of
North Carolina (BCBSNC) for a written explanation of the adverse underwriting decision. This
written request should be mailed to: BCBSNC, PO Box 30016, Durham, NC 27702-3016, or
faxed to 919-765-2289.
Within 21 business days from the date of receipt of such written request, BCBSNC will provide
the member or applicant with the following:
• The specific reason(s) for the adverse underwriting decision unless previously provided in
the original notice; and
• The specific items of personal and privileged information that support the reason(s) provided;
and
• The names and addresses of the institutional sources that supplied the specific items of
information given
If the member or applicant feels that the information used for the adverse underwriting decision
was incomplete or they wish to have the decision reconsidered, they may submit a written
request outlining their concerns along with medical records from all doctors seen during the past
five years. The request, along with this information, should be mailed to: Blue Cross and Blue
Shield of North Carolina, Attention: Individual Risk Assessment Department, PO Box 2291,
Durham, NC 27702-2291.
Member Rights to Protected Health Information
Members have the right to access recorded information, referred to as protected health
information or PHI, that BCBSNC maintains about the member. Within 30 business days of
receipt of a written request for PHI, BCBSNC will:
• Inform the member of the nature and substance of the PHI in writing, by telephone, or by
other oral communication;
• Permit the member to see and copy the applicable PHI or provide a copy of the information
to the member, whichever the member prefers. If the information is in coded form,
BCBSNC will provide an accurate, plain language translation in writing;
• Provide the names of the individuals or entities to which BCBSNC routinely shares PHI; and
• Furnish the member with a summary of the procedures by which they may request
correction, amendment or deletion of PHI.
To obtain a full copy of our privacy notice, contact BCBSNC Customer Services at 888-206-
4697 or visit our website at bcbsnc.com. Declination of Coverage – Your Appeal Rights
If you have a question about your adverse underwriting decision, you or someone you name to
act for you as your authorized representative have a right to appeal any decision not to provide
coverage. Appeal forms and third party authorization forms are available to download at
www.bcbsnc.com. You may also contact Blue Cross and Blue Shield of North Carolina
Customer Service at 1-888-206-4697 for assistance.
To be eligible for an appeal, your written request must be received by us within 180 days of the
date of the mailing of the notice or other communication to you of the adverse underwriting
decision.
A good guideline for providing support for your appeal is to include the following information
along with your appeal form:
• Your name, address and date of birth
• Past five years of medical records to current date, including physician office notes
• Any other supporting documentation
Please mail this additional information to support your appeal to:
Blue Cross and Blue Shield of North Carolina
Attention: Individual Risk Assessment Department
P.O. Box 2291
Durham, NC 27702-2291
Or, fax the information to the above department at 919-287-8710
At no cost to you, you may also submit a written request for copies of all documents, records and
other information relevant to your adverse underwriting decision, and of which we have
reasonable access to, by writing to us at the above address or by faxing your request to us at the
fax number listed above. Please include your name, address, and date of birth with your request.
If you should need any assistance with submitting your appeal, please contact the Managed Care
Patient Assistance Program (MCPA) at 1-866-867-6272 (toll free in North Carolina) or 919-733-
6272 if you are outside of North Carolina. You can also contact the MCPA by e-mail at
mcpa@ncdoj.gov. Their mailing address is:
Managed Care Patient Assistance Program
9001 Mail Service Center
Raleigh, North Carolina 27699-9001

Heres to yesteryears and new beginnings!

2011-01-20T02:46:00.000-05:00

Well its late 2:43am and I am about to go to bed. Going to be getting on a schedule this week asap and sleep at night again lol. I will be finding a full time job soon to cover my time till Elemental Designs Inc is able to pay me full time pay. Going to be off going back to work and working for someone else.

This new home is amazing and I will be doing everything I can to keep it. I will buy this home mark my words!

The future... I am loving it!

So this is MikeZ signing off.

PS if you know someone hiring. shoot me a comment!!

A New Year a New Beginning

2011-01-15T14:43:00.000-05:00

Has it really been 3 months since my last post. Geez sorry folks I am slacking so bad.
So my holidays were great got to see my family and friends and It was so much better than last year. BLAH.

Its really been a year since I started this blog and I am amazed I have in some small way continued to use it. go me. I am healthy other than being 100 pounds over weight but I am working on it. My life has progressivly gotten better and I am excited for what 2011 will hold for me. God has taught me vauluable lessons in the last year and I will not forget them.

I and a friend have started a new company and are working towards making it a huge success in a market I should of been in from the start. I was always a tech more than retail guy. So heres to Elemental Designs Inc and a bright future!!

Me and Jessie and Zoe are still going strong and happier than ever! God thank you for that blessing. We have had ups and downs but they have only made me love her more and more each day! And who can not help but love Zoe I mean she is adorable!!

Ive met Jessies family most of them at least and we all seem to get a long well and thats a blessing cause everyone knows the last girl I dated her parents hated me. they meant well I guess they were just looking out for there baby girl. She seems to be happy, still dating the same guy. Good for them, you know things happen for a reason and I know now she was there just to bide me over till I met Jess :).

Calvin is good, hes my best friend even if he wont admit it lol. I owe him so much and always will. He is family. I love him like a brother and I am so glad to have known him.

Its been a great life, tough at moments and I am sure itll get tougher still, but I would not trade it for anything.

love you mom still miss you always.

Michael

PS Ill try and post more lol I promise.

One week later. So Im late but thats ok...

2010-11-19T11:42:00.000-05:00

I am in complete remission as of a week ago. It is still surreal to think about it, But now I can focus on losing weight and worry about things other than my self.

Work is coming back to me. Its hard to think about the fact I havnt worked full time in over a year as of this month.... sheesh. I CAN NOT WAIT TO WORK. people just do not understand how nice it is to have a reason to leave the house sometimes lol

Found out today one of my favorite musicians has been battling cancer at almost the same time as me through the last year. Check his blog below and show him love.
http://thismachinekillscancer.tumblr.com/

Tonight is a busy night and I AM EXCITED.
MC Chris concert and movie tonight with MC Chris himself. Going to be a blast. I am going to get my autographs at the movie before the show so I dont have lug around my stuff at the show tonight.

Ive got big news folks I will let you all know soon enough about it!!

till next time
Love you all
Z

How do I ask for help?

2010-09-23T14:42:00.000-04:00

Can not ask from sister lol She has done way to much as it is for me. Thank you Angi I am for ever in your debt I love you so much. :)

Can not ask my brother ive asked him for help with money once in the last 10 or so years. He couldn't help me, add to that me and him are not talking anymore because he is a jerk. Well that just helps me not ask him for anything.

Dad is a option, but honestly I shouldn't because im trying my best right now to just talk to the man...

Friends... i do not like asking friends for help, I used to ask and some would help out others would just tell me they can not. I never got mad at anyone for saying no. Why should I.

But I guess my point is I am on a very tight fixed income. if it wasnt for the fact I have a awesome room mate keeping up my end a little bit. Id probably be homeless or living with family. I owe him alot and I will not forget and I will repay!

being on a fix income means you need to have the discipline to step up and not spend money needlessly when you have bills each month that have to be paid... Well I spent my spending cash early over the last few months and then had medical issue pop up that took bill money to take care of... and now because of this lack of foresight on my part.

Im behind in my bills by a few months. Cable and Power.. now I can call and get a extension but its not going to help me get these caught up to the point they need to be at.

So I have to ask for help.. Issue is I do not know how to. I mean if someone loans me money itll be forever before i could pay them back. My credit is shot so I can not get a loan. and the loan I can get is freaking crazy expensive...

Good news is im almost done with chemo and can get back to working soon. Ive already started looking and im kind of excited to get back out there making money and being able to relax again. most people look at me crazy when i say this. Work for me can be very cathartic.

I just want to make a living learn to budget and take care of my bills and be happy.

I need about 2k to pay bills and buffer myself with my fixed income till i get back to work.

anyone out there want to help? I can afford 180 a month in payback since 2k would catch me up and put me ahead a bit.

anyone?

please...

lol

Till next time

MikeG

lol this is one creepy bill collector for me.

2010-09-08T18:57:00.000-04:00

100 and counting

2010-05-22T20:09:00.000-04:00

First and foremost i know i have neglected my blog a lot in the last few months and ill explain to everyone why here in a moment.

K There will be typos in this because im going to be lazy but just sound things out you'll get the gist of it all! That goes for grammar as well ;)

OK first.
I am done with Chemo I go back to the doctor on the 31st for my 30+ check up. If all goes well Im on a donor list that day and will receive my pager!! Then if im lucky I will get my new liver and have my surgery asap.
I am not looking forward to this and at the same time I can not wait! I know now that I will be on meds the rest of my life and that I am in the process of making life changes to help myself. New diet, exercise. My life goal of losing 100 pounds is well on its way! since starting my new diet I Have lost 15 pounds.

Ok now to the reason why I havnt been posting as much..

I have a new lady in my life who is wonderful and who keeps me on my toes. She is not afraid to call my bullshit and I love it. We argue lol to much on my end im sure. But she Cares for me 100% And after the heartbreak I got from the last girl in my life. She is such a breath of fresh air and I am so very lucky to have her!! I also have to say she has a awesome little girl who I love to death. she is adorable!!
So now you know.

I turned 32 the 7th of this month. Not much fan fare though I got to go see Ironman2 twice!! lol Birthdays are bittersweet for me. really. I got two gifts and time with my gal!! :) But im still getting older and my body is fighting me on it lol

I got to spend time with my sister the week before my birthday and it was fun. Jessie came up and so did Zoe and my ever present pooch Sasha. haha

Hmm I am switching phones and moving back to sprint. I am picking up the new HTC EVO 4G and retiring the G1 Ill miss the phone but not the touch issues I was having with it.

In the process of finding a new home. never fun you know. Have a few contenders so its looking good.

Ummm hmm what else... Its raining hard outside lighting just hit the house next door lol. hmm what else
My writing has been neglected damn it. But ill get it going soon enough.

This is my 100 post and honestly there is alot of good things in here and hope it has enlightened folks to whats going on in my life..

Also those who look at this page but never say anything please comment and give me some love!!! even my friends from Moscow!!

Till next time!

MikeG
Z

post 99 long live post 100

2010-05-11T16:12:00.000-04:00

Son on my 99th post I have just a small thing to say.. I will post again my longest and greatest post ever shortly.. thats right folks post 100! check back soon. I promise itll be epic!

2010-04-12T10:03:00.001-04:00

Welp counting today 3 treatments remaining outlook is ok bored with a damn iv in arm go me.

2010-04-09T12:37:00.001-04:00

Sitting in my doctors office he is on phone lol. Sigh 3 tests down blood work and prep for chemo on Monday yay! =(

night sweet night

2010-03-25T02:56:00.001-04:00

I am laying in bed listening to Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek. and I remember things in life may get hard but life is as simple as you are willing to make it!
live life
love life
smile because really if you cant just enjoy life by your own choice then you need to work harder.

life isnt keeping you down... your keeping yourself down. open your heart to love of everything. hate nothing. and regret even less. if you are still breathing then you still have a chance to be happy.

and if there are haters keeping you down.. then best thing to do is be happy to spite them and just know you must be pretty damn awesome for them to take so much time to hate on you!

search Jill scott "hate on me"

till next time

love you all

MikeG

My thoughts

2010-03-18T17:04:00.000-04:00

So I havnt been writing much because I have been playing 360 a lot recently and just ignoring life for the most part. I am still breathing and being kind of active.

I have posted some funny videos on you tube recently you guys should check them out above.

Well heres whats up with me.

I got sick and had to miss some sessions because they were concerned my body wouldnt be able to deal with both issues at once. It was deff rough let me tell you. but im a lot better now.

So next week I begin a new more intense Chemo treatment and its going to suck ALOT lol. but I have good friends and my family will be looking out for me and I know that im going to be ok.

I am having fun again on a day to day and can say it feels good to be alive.

I love you guys and hope all my friends out there show me some love and patience with my communication skills.

With Love

MikeG
Z

TGIF

2010-03-12T14:17:00.000-05:00

I hate being sick all the time... ok now thats out of the way

So today I am going to get back to writing. Ive neglected it a lot recently.

I keep getting these awesome ideas. and writing down the notes.

I talked to someone this week only briefly but it was the first time in a long time. All we did was cut up, it was fun. lol

I am having to redo my whole treatment schedule. more hardcore stuff in bound. yay :(

me wearing my eye patch is being neglected. I am so bad about it...

Saw Alice last week. I thought it was good, but do not go to watch Johnny Depp. youll be disappointed. though he does have moments of brilliance in it.

My laptop gave me a scare the other day. I think its fall meter for the hard drive might be glitching. So imma disable it after I back up my HD.

Im beat lol its 2:16 in the afternoon ive been out of bed 2 hours and i want to take a nap.

this sucks.

Till next time folks!!

MikeG

Hollywood

2010-03-10T14:42:00.000-05:00

Watched the oscars the other night. And it amazes me how hard some of these people work to get there work noticed. I love movies.

Sad day today Corey Haim past away of a drug overdose. Just sad. I hope he finds peace.

News on my front.

So I got sick from a bug and it screwed up my Schedule for Chemo. And now my doctor wants to take a more aggressive treatment approach. yay ;/

I understand that life throws everyone curveballs and that things can be tough. I just wish I could control my moods better.

anyways.

till next time.

post 92 complete.

MikeG

Sad

2010-02-25T12:22:00.000-05:00

Just now found out Phil Harris died. He was a captain on deadliest catch. He had been having a lot of health issues on the show. its just sad. he will be on the 6th season coming up and itll be sad to watch it knowing hes gone.

ugh but ok

2010-02-24T14:25:00.000-05:00

Sitting in bed typing this out.. lol been back and forth with a bug. sucks really.

Poor Jessie I think has it now. Hope she gets better soon!

I didnt get hit hard think my meds and vitamins helped!! I am listening to some music from loveneverdies the sequel to Phantom of the Opera. I love it so far. I can not wait!! My goal is still to see in live in November in NYC. We all should have goals right!! lol

I have been thinking alot recently and with my track record this could be bad lol. but its not. I have been put to the test recently about lots of things. My personal goals in life have changed, my views on life its self are different. I let things go again like i used too. and its freeing really.
I had a broken heart. but its whole again. My body is broken but its being mended. My soul was dying but its being saved. I feel myself healing from everything everyday now.
And all it took was for to realize that I am who I am. And no I didn't deserve this. but... Life is what it is and so goes how you deal with it. I was in the midst of a pity party for myself. I loathed each day when the sun would rise because i had to wake up each day. Sometimes even sleep wasnt safe for me. I felt I grip on being sane slipping each day. Had some awesome friends step up and help. So more for themselves than for me. But im ok with that.

I am better because of all of them. I might get slammed back down to earth from time to time. But I still walk it. and thats a gift to be treasured. and no matter how life treats you. at least you are still in it. I no longer think of bad things. I think of good things and futures I never though I would have anymore. I dug myself into a hole and I fought everyday with myself to get out. Then a hand came in and grabbed me by the nape of my neck and didnt give me a choice. It drug me out of my hole and with the other hand filled the hole in so i couldnt jump back in.

Ive been reminded what my heart is for, and why it beats each day. Its to live. and to find joy in life. And that is what I am going to do.

So with this I tell all of you. Live your life dont wallow in the negatives. There is something good in each day you just have to see it. You have to open your eyes and your heart to it. and the rest will fill you with love.

I love you all.

till next time

MikeG

hmm

2010-02-20T21:05:00.001-05:00

After a amazing dinner I am stuffed and man do these brownies smell amazing!!

good times

2010-02-20T16:19:00.002-05:00

I am having a good day today and the past few days although tiring have been awesome as well.

Side note. I need more rest. been hard to do things last few days with out motivating myself for a bit.

Making my Spaghetti tonight for my friends!! Hope everyone likes it!!

Love you guys!!

More updates coming i promise!!

Here is the truth about me. Everything you need to know about me MikeG

2010-02-17T15:46:00.000-05:00

I have this annoying ability to lie when its not needed. This is my biggest freaking fault.
I embellish too, its just as bad as a lie I know. Now im not saying I do this a lot. Just for the the stupidest things. Recently Ive found a friend who likes to call me on the bullshit. Thanks Jessie.

To Manda,
Yeah I embellished the amount. I'm guilty. But you will see by the end of the year I didn't lie. And I never said it was a advance, it was per contract and completion. I said I would love a advance, I am sorry I lied to you about the total. thanks for giving me the chance to apologize and correct this mistake on my part.
Love
Hank

Here's my truth

I can be a asshole with out trying, we all can right or am I the only one?

I fall in love with out thinking, And think when I am in love. confusing huh

Here's things most don't know about me.

Ive been to jail, to prison too. It is a long story if you care to know what for, just ask me I will tell you. I don't like to advertise this for obvious reasons. But if you want to know me, the real me then ask, I wont volunteer this info.

I have a little girl she turned 12 in January. I have had no part in her life, that chance was taken from me, I miss her even though I never met her.

I had my chance for the navy I ruined it. I hurt myself and others with this.

I lost my friend Amanda, someone I loved. to a murdering asshole. Who deserves to die and just sits in prison.

Growing up I had so many crazy things happen to me it became normal. And normal for most people became boring to me.
Ask me, Ive got some awesome stories so I am told.

I love to easy, and when I get hurt, I hurt to hard.

I make no sense sometimes on my actions and even I see it and cant stop.

Ive been accused recently of breaking up a marriage when really it was already over. I fucking hate I am involved but I care for her and him. isn't that a bitch! Maybe my feelings are deeper for her. but I still think of him as a friend. but to put this to rest, as much as I care for her, shes married. I can wait if its meant to be.
But Brandon I am sorry if you feel I played a part in this.

There is so much more to me than what I let everyone in on.

Am I crazy? So many would say yes. Am I a bad person. Many would think so.
But I will let memory's and actions speak for me.

I refuse to be anything negative anymore.

I want to earn good things in life. Like Trust and Love.

My actions will be more, they will be better. I will not ask anything from anyone. I will give and ask not. Provide and want not. I will be me. I will be true!

MikeG

note to self..

2010-02-16T19:02:00.000-05:00

lol remove bookmarks that are right beside something lol. I went to click something in chrome and clicked on Ems dev page. lol now its going to show her i looked at her page when as soon as i saw what i clicked i clicked off it lol. but still its funny.

Last few weeks are a blur lots going on...

Ill update a full update soon i promise but just know. Life is getting better. my health has a chance. I have great friends. and my family is here for me.

I will be ok...

Z

2010-02-12T09:51:00.001-05:00

Short update.. honestly do not know how it happened but I woke up with a smile. Life can and will be better for everyone no matter how down things look!

I one less than 3 you

2010-02-09T00:08:00.000-05:00

I <3 U

Valentines day is coming.. and for the first time in 10 years or so I dont have a valentine. I feel numb to it. I am going to find some way to forget what day it is.

Me and Em had a crazy Valentines thing. I got her roses her first year at school a stuff animal too and she could never take them home. Last year though we got to spend it together and we was awesome. Nice dinner at above the hill, flowers and we got to spend the night with each other. It was a amazing night and I will never forget it.

Eh i miss her still but it hurts less and less everyday. I think about her less and less as well. I hate it being like this with us. I still miss her she was a awesome friend. I can say ive been alot better the last few weeks. Ive ignored her fully. No longer take peeks at her blog on deviantart. I blocked her on FB so we no longer had to post together on friends comments. Blocked her on aim so that was no longer a issue as well. Its a tough transition for me. I loved her so much. But this is the way of life, we can only move forward.

Chemo today caused lots of issues for me. I was hating life. Had a eye bleed. like a nose bleed but well not. Also napped and had the worse dream ever. here Ill tell you my nightmare.

I woke up to my bed in flames. Everytime i tried to move the sheets off of me i got burnt and cried out in pain. I finally whipped the sheets off me and felt my skin pull with the sheets but i didn't care as i ran down the stairs I heard people screaming in pain upstairs from calvins room. I ran up there and the door was engulfed. But i didn't care. I still opened the door doing more damage to myself. I ran up the steps and found the room full of my friends all burned. crying my name. I took a step forward and the floor gave out from below me. and i fell through the flames till i hit the solid ground below. I ran outside and there was a mirror in my front yard.. I looked and my horribly burnt body and saw my skin looked wrong on my face. I moved my heads to my face to rub the smear off and my face turned to ask and I woke up screaming. It felt so real to me..So real....

I hope Krystal is doing better tonight.. poor thing had surgery today. Thinking about you girl hope you feel better soon!!

Seems Jessie and Brandon have finally found a middle ground to maybe grow and fix there relationship in the future :) I wish them the best in how ever it turns out for them. Im here no matter what.

Had breakfast sat morning with Manda, Chris and Scott it was fun and im glad they invited me. Ive missed them.

Damn if i did not remember to pay the cable bill and so now its off and i have to use my phone now to get on the net. Sucks yes it does.

Calvin feels better at least and he is looking forward to playing Dantes Inferno and Bioshock 2 tomorrow. :) me too lol

I love my friends and miss them all. I miss gamefrog a lot as well. I hope I can one day work there again.

I may be lonely, but at least I have amazing frineds who love and care for me. I will never put all my eggs in one basket again like i didnt with her. it takes too long to rebuild that way.

Also Cheri, Rodney, Gina.. :) its nice talking to you guys again from time to time!! I still love you guys!!

Jamie thank you for being awesome. I mean that.

To the others out there who are a part of my life.. Just because i dont name you does not mean I forget you. Just means i dont have enough time in the day to type it all out!!

I love and care for you all.

Michael

Alone

2010-02-07T02:19:00.000-05:00

You can sometimes be with people and still be alone. I want to be with someone who wants me. With that said....

Anyone interested in a 31 year old single white male. Loves Video Games. Reading, Writing, Music, movies and theater? If so please email me.

:)

PS must be able to stand long moments of putting up with me. :)

8pm Friday night wheres the party at?

2010-02-05T21:30:00.000-05:00

Not here.. I am bored and beat. I feel like crudddd.

Enough whining.

So some of my good friends are having a tough time and I want them to know im here for them no matter what.
You know who you gals are!

I have been feeling that feeling returning of depression and loneliness and i dont like it not one bit. its dragging on me and really wearing me down. It might have alot to do with me stressing for my friends. I see people in spots that honestly I wish i could help them with. Relationship issues, problems with family. broken hearts.

Ive felt all of this in the last few months and I feel it all again while my friends suffer. Its enough to make me cry if I could cry anymore. Life can be cruel. But it can be so amazing as well. I mean when something awesome happens it can lift your spirits and bring you out of any funk. I am praying for you guys.

Now to tell you guys about whats been going on a little.

I sold my book. Still working out details but my book will be printed by a major publisher and I will be able to say I am a writer. I can not wait. My sister has informed me I should focus on it and try to push other personal things aside. I have just now started to have a social life again after I allowed myself to lose my previous one through grief and stupidity.
So im crossed

Do I have friends out there who could stand to hang with me at my home and just chat while I type?

Servius will not be denied!!

lol

I wish life wasnt so complicated and that people never got hurt. it sucks being like me sometimes. But oh well. :) life sucks gets better sucks again. But life for its small awesome moments is still worth living.

Ill post more details later. I kind of went all ADHD on this one lol

2010-02-02T04:05:00.001-05:00

Update from phone.. I am still alive!

Sleep

2010-02-01T20:06:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was ok, then not ok then ok then not ok. Now today I have not slept.. Did some important things with my bro and for Harin"the roomie" then home and now im so tired... but my side isnt hurting :)

But I cant sleep. wtf.

I hope everyone who is in a bad spot finds a way to smile and work there way out of it. I have a lot of love for all my friends. You know who you are!!

A good moment captured in time.

2010-01-30T05:18:00.000-05:00

Had a good day today. Long but good. Woke up early to go to docs. Get cat scan, head MRI and Blood work results.

Everything ok well sept for Mri. but thats not a issue im going to talk about.

I came home and laid down and napped for a bit it was nice. :)

Woke up watched tv and talked with my sis for a bit. Had a moment with Charles and Angi. I hate crying lol. Worked on helping Charles with TigerGaming Inc. :) going to be fun. Reminded me how much I love starting companys. even if it is for someone else.

Then Krystal woke her butt up bout 3 something. :) I headed out and got her and got food and hung out. Was a good night just sitting at home chatting with Calvin and her. I miss days like this. I love the little things and simple things in life.

So it started snowing today hardcore lol maybe alot of snow on the ground tomorrow. On my way home from dropping her off something funny happened. well kind of scary really. I was driving down the road and pulled out behind another car that suddenly breaked and stopped and reversed towards me. I backed up too and then it started going forward. after about a 1/4 of a mile a suv suddenly pulled up behind me and was riding my bumper in pretty bad snow conditions. I got nervous and pumped my breaks to warn him off. Woop woop blue lights, its the popo but it wasnt me they were after. Once the lights were on he drove around me and pulled the crazy car over in front of me. I then noticed it was two suv sheriffs. both pulled over and I continued on my way.

Got home with out any other issues.

Sat around with sasha watching it snow then got online and chatted on FB for a bit and here I am at 5am typing out my blog :)

I love you guys

TTFN

Z

This week..

2010-01-28T13:58:00.000-05:00

So I am sorry for not posting.. I have not felt up to it. Body hates me right now. I am in a better place mentally. Now if I can just get rid of this darn cancer Ill be ok again.

I am rough but surviving.

:)

Love you all

Mike

I am a amazing person and a amazing friend. thank you for telling me this everyday..

A oversight

2010-01-25T14:45:00.001-05:00

Thank you Krystal for being a good friend. I was going through my posts and noticed a lack of mentioning you.

:)

Think I will do a shout out post later on.

No more posts on love or ex girlfriends other updates as well

2010-01-25T13:37:00.000-05:00

You read it right. I am done voicing about things I can not control anymore. Pining over love does not for me now. I have to focus on life and just living it for as long as I can.

My friends Brian and Sara are getting married!! Here is to them and I am very very very happy for them!

Ive had a good weekend. Friday I drove to winston picked up Anthony from his moms and have hung out with him all weekend. Ive had ups and downs this weekend. But it has been fun. Friday night we went and watch legion. it wasnt bad lol
Sat we played video games and went out to eat. Then hung out at a friends. also took Calvin to get a hair cut looks good too.
Sun we hung out then I surprised Anthony and Taylor both because they both had no clue about either one of them being here. So erin dropped her off here and we all went to eat then bowling. Im regretting bowling.. but oh well it was fun.
Took Taytay home and came back home. And had a bad episode of pain. Poor Anthony wanted to play Halo3 with me but I just couldnt.
Talked with Jess for a long time last night. I amuse her its funny.
Was then woken up by a call from my doctor moving my chemo to tuesday because of back log. wtf
I am now sitting here watching Anthony play Halo 3 :) no rush to take him home. I like having him here.

Oh I still want a baby. Speaking on that Katrina turned 12 the 21st. Daddy loves you.. long story.

But a baby, A amazing little bundle of life, that I helped bring into this world. My own flesh and blood. Someone to hold to love who will love you unconditionally. I was told once I was in love with the idea of being a dad. Your honor let me just say fuck you, you stupid cunt whore. How does any love start. But as a thought. a feeling. Something that grows out of your control.

I love babys, I love kids. Everything about them, heart ache, frustration. Love is not something you just have a idea about. It gives you the ideas and mistakes. It makes you do the wrong thing and right.

This is Michael Gaines.
Friend, Idealist, Father, Patriot, Lover, Fighter, Idiot, and Savant.
;)

Love

2010-01-25T13:13:00.000-05:00

I have shown the capacity for love, yet I have not shown the power to choose wisely. Love someone who changes, Love someone who stops loving, love someone who cant love me.

Why the hell do I even try to care. Loving does nothing for me except hurt. I use to be worth loving back. I hurt those who care.

I just don't understand anymore, sure I am unstable right now. I mean I have therapy now to help me cope with my loss and possible future death.

I think my world is skewed forever. I had a women I loved so much. leave me because she didnt want to have regrets. How fucking insulting is it to be told that. I will regret staying with you. wtf. Now she wont even speak with me because i tried to hard to stay in her life. so that makes the score 0 for heart 1 for hurt.

Then I find I have had these underlying feelings for a friend. Seems for a long time. I kept them in check because I loved Emily and would not let feelings for someone else come between me and her. Something that shows I cared more than she did. But guess what. The girl I have these strong feelings for is taken. damn it all to hell lol 0 for heart 2 for hurt.

I have recently found a friend a long lost friend. Who I had amazing feelings for and loved dearly. My one regret. OMG Emily you used my story for her. You used my own story to leave me. You didnt want regrets. You wanted to date him before he left. You really did leave me for him. haha wow it took me this long to see it. You asked me so many questions about her. about how i felt. You asked me about my regrets for losing her. And the whole time you were thinking about him. Well fuck.. lol To think I did not think you could hurt me anymore. shit welp 0 for heart 3 for hurt lol

Now back to Lisa.. This girl I loved dearly that was never meant to be. She is happy married with 2 kids. She is where her life should be. I mean I love her still but our life together was never meant to be. :)
This one doesnt count.

I miss love. But it does not seem to miss me.

And to you Emily I toast you.. I now know why you would not talk to me, why you could not face me really. It is ok I forgive you. I want you to know that all the love and care you gave me was real. That your heart did beat for me. And mine beat for you. You lost your way. It happens to everyone. I love you no matter what. I may of been hurt. But you are and will always be, my friend. even if you cant stand me. I could always forgive you.

I am in love with people who cant return my love for one reason or the other. Ill be ok. I will. I have to tell myself this everyday.

I wont settle...

So love it is a many and splendid thing. Before I die, I will love truly again.

Mike

creed of life

2010-01-23T19:51:00.000-05:00

Я живу только одна жизнь.
Я умру один день.
Я не хочу быть печальным.
Я много довольно устроить вечеринку для своих друзей, чтобы говорить и помнят меня.
Чем сидеть и плакать над моим ближним.

Смех, что движет мной.
Надежды, что позволяет мне жить.
На следующий день приходит.
Придет конец.
Но я не хочу переходить в ночь спокойно.

Я буду жить, пока жизнь позволяет мне.
Может быть, я слаб телом.
Слабые в виду.
Я не слабым сердцем.
или слабые души.

Может быть, я загнал в пыль.
Падение с наибольшей высоты.
Быть разрушены любви.
Пострадает от потери доверия.

Но я возобладает.
Я не буду тихо.
Я буду сильным.
Я буду я!

Я буду бороться!

I live just one life.
I will die one day.
I do not want it to be a sad one.
I much rather have a party for my friends to talk and remember me by.
Than to sit and cry over my passing.

Laughter is what drives me.
Hope is what makes me live.
The day is coming.
The end will come.
But I will not pass into the night quietly.

I will live as long as life lets me.
I may be weak in body.
Weak in mind.
I am not weak of heart.
or weak of soul.

I may be driven into the dust.
Fall from the greatest heights.
Be broken by love.
Be hurt from lost trust.

But I will prevail.
I will not go quietly.
I will be strong.
I will be me!

I will fight!

Sad night for late night TV

2010-01-23T00:33:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here with Sasha watching The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien and reminds me of even some of the most awesome people have stupid shit happen to them.

Conan is going out with the grace of a professional. A Awesome person and I will be glad to say I am a fan of him. And only hope I can have half the good qualities of him.

Freebird all the way.

Now to play some games with my awesome nephew Anthony!

Good night everyone and sweet dreams! and be at peace!

I feel like im taking crazy pills!

2010-01-21T20:02:00.000-05:00

Just watched Zoolander, Reminded me why I love these movies. Silly beyond what should be normal haha.

Like my life sometimes.

ugh

worse pain of my life today. been hard to get out of bed. But i have. thanks to sasha. poor thing. Shes been such a good girl through all this.

Prep tomorrow morning and next Chemo treatment on monday going to be a long one. 6 hours.

I hate this..

Mike

:)

2010-01-21T16:19:00.002-05:00

A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him, and then asks to speak with his wife. The doctor tells his wife that her husband has cancer. The wife asks "can he be cured?". The doctor replies "there's a chance we can cure him with chemotherapy, but you will need to take care of him every day for the next year -- cooking all the meals, cleaning up the vomit, changing the bed pan, driving him to the hospital for daily treatments, and so on". When the wife comes out to the waiting room, the husband asks her what the doctor said. The wife answers "he said that you're going to die".

Why did the cancer victim cross the road?

He was hoping to get hit by a truck

An Irishman named Mike O'Leary went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Mike in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have a cancer known as Galloping Leukaemia and it can't be cured. I give you two weeks to a month."

Mike, who was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son, who had been waiting. Mike said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs, some tears, and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Mike's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Mike told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Leary their condolences and they all had a few more beers.

After his friends left, Mike's son leaned over and whispered in confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS."

Mike replied, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone.

Q How many cancer patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Just one, but it takes a support group to cheer him on, and there's

a lot of grieving afterwards.

Three buddies were talking about death and dying. One asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"

What's the difference between a cancer victim and someone with AIDS?
You won't get sick from shagging a cancer victim.

Did you hear that they finally found a cure for cancer?

It’s called Death!!!

Humor sometimes is all I have left!

My weekend

2010-01-19T17:31:00.000-05:00

started really Thursday night.

But I found her I found someone I thought was lost to me. that makes thursday good in my book.

Friday I picked up a awesome friend and hung out and relived the old days for the weekend. it was so much fun!

Then sunday night went to my dads and spent time with all of my family cept for charles. I feel so much better about everything now.

Monday i went to my nanas and spent time with her and my cousin Lilly who is cute and a handfull.

It was a good weekend and it refueled my batterys and gave me a new outlook on life.

I love you all

TTFN
Mike

2010-01-18T20:28:00.001-05:00

Past two days I've been with my family. My sister my dad both my grandmothers.. I have even hugged my dad and he is good and I helped. I love my family! <3

2010-01-17T10:57:00.001-05:00

Laying here in bed not sleeping when I should be. About how things changed. How things came full circle. How life made me look inside myself and I smiled. <3

In case you ever read this :)

2010-01-15T07:16:00.000-05:00

I like Deviant Art. I told you I hope you didnt mind I looked at your page from time to time in my email to you. You never said anything to me. But just to let you know. today was the first time ive looked at your page in weeks lol and only because you looked at mine.

I am sorry you feel so stalked.. But honestly get over yourself and move on. K

In the past you were everything, but now dear your just a pleasant memory.

Mike

To new starts

2010-01-15T06:05:00.000-05:00

My former love.. She hurt me deeply but I do not know.. Really I think deep down in her heart when its all said and done she will love me in some way forever.

I am angry with her for acting like she does not have a heart. But shes so young, impulsive. Its ok that she broke mine. I am strong enough to recover from it. It took me a while to get her to just be mean to me. But I got what I wanted, kind of a asshole thing to do on my part really. But I had to push her, Had to make her think she hated me. or disliked I am not to sure she could hate anyone really.

Sure everything ive wrote I have meant, In every way. I love her and always will. But I am not for her now. She needs to live her life, experience it and learn from her mistakes. If we were ever meant to be, then it would be down the road after she lives her life her way. I was best for her, But she was losing contact with that. She was forgetting everything she felt for me. She allowed a guy to come in and distract her.

As a man I know that its hard to compete with someone who plays the friend. The guy who becomes the stand offish love interest. Emily forgot our friendship, I tried to save it really, but she could only see the heart broken guy who would not let go. Who was fighting for his heart. She suffered the easiest mistake in a relationship,

Funny thing its normally guys lol I mean girls do it to case in point. But over time she let her feelings for a friend push her feelings for her love back and let her self get confused. Conflicted. I mean how could she have these feelings for someone else and really be in love with me right. Everyone has this issue in life. Its easy to fall for people even when your in love. Its hard to stay long enough to see that the love is real and will fill the void that she feels she would of missed.

She told me she didnt want to have regrets. haha Think about it, that meant that she would not regret leaving me. She used a fight our first real fight to leave. Things were said, bad things, mostly by me I am impulsive even more since im so damn sick. People tell me everyday that I am better off with out her.

When really, I feel she is better off with me. I have this need to protect her, to love her, and to help her through life. It drives me. I can honestly say that these are feelings ive rarley, if ever had. There new to me. even at 31.

But... and theres that word. You have to just let go of those you love, so they may learn what they had in the past.

Men for her will come and go. She will learn lifes lessons. I am only depressed that I wont be around to be a part of it.

Her choice and well mine now.

Emily Jean Koballa I will always love you. Be at peace and live your life how you see fit, not as others may see it. But as you see it.

My last lesson to tell you, would be to trust yourself.

I hope I live long enough to one day hug you again, because Emily you give the most amazing hugs ever.

Michael Anthony Gaines

pain

2010-01-13T18:44:00.000-05:00

Pain has become my constant companion. I wake up and hurt I go to sleep and dream about my pain...

It just gets worse each day..

add in my dreams and I need someone to hug lol some to hold my hand.. I have no one.

I am so alone. gah I got to think about other things. but the damn pain

Hangover

2010-01-13T12:20:00.000-05:00

If yo have not seen this movie then shame on you!

Today I worked out.. I am sore now.. But its a sore i can live with :)

Depending on how i feel tonight I might hit the bag tonight.

I am losing the gut though.. It is slowly shrinking. The weight is coming off.

I am in control damn it!! Not the cancer.

Z

Nightmares and Dreamscapes

2010-01-13T10:23:00.000-05:00

Other than being a amazing book of short storys by stephen king it is also what my life has been in the last few days.

The Chemo is kicking my ass.. I am trying my best to deal.. But food is shit.. everything tastes like bloody metal. I hate it. I had Ihop yesterday and that was it.. and only thing i could taste was my season frys.

But another side effect is I am having the most vivid and freaky and scary dreams ever now.

All involving people in my life.. and all ending badly.. all except for one.. cant talk about that one lol im trying to keep this blog R rated not x or nc17 haha.

This morning I woke up from a nightmare where i was paralyzed and i watched as someone I love took a pillow and smothered me. I got sick when I woke up and had to run to the bathroom.

Now when I talk to my therpist she tells me that these dreams will go away I just need to clear my head before I lay down.

Who wants to sleep when they have dreams like mine..

Sasha

2010-01-12T09:28:00.000-05:00

Shes my dog, but she has become my best friend ;) I honestly think i would of killed myself if it wasnt for her loving me.

Sounds harsh or stupid, But 2 times now ive looked at my pill bottles and thought. All I got to do is wait for calvin to go to work. swallow the bottle and take a hot bath. Pass out in the bath. And it would all go away. all the pain and the self imposed misery over my sickness and a lost love.

Then while I thought about it and I cried to myself she just walked over to me and laid her head in my lap and sat down and whimpered to me...

My dog gave me such unconditional love in such a important moment in my life. She stopped me from making such a large mistake. I still feel helpless. But no person will fix me. Only I can do it. and well maybe a little help from my Sasha.

My friends and family help too dont get me wrong.

Sasha just asks for love back..

I know now that i still have love to give.

ttfn

need to called therapist tomorrow

2010-01-12T02:13:00.000-05:00

I have been having these horrid dreams last 2 months since me and Em broke up. Well today after my chemo they were 50 times worse and even in one of them I did such bad things... Or i Think i did. its so hard to remember. I mean I use to remember my dreams from start to finish now its just glimpses.

I hate sleep so much.. everytime i wake up I pick up my phone.. and put it back down. I have no one to call about them like I did.

I feel so truly alone right now. I have so many people to talk to yet I am so alone... I have no one to blame but myself. I do not care what the doctors say. I caused all this. I am the one who said those words.

I am not willing to go out and meet new people so me being alone is like I am punishing myself. All im thinking about right now is someone who doesn't even treat me like I am alive. I am dead to her. heh funny thing is when i do die. I do not even think she will shed a tear over me.

I will be gone soon enough I am sure. Then she will be totally free of me. And I will be totally free of her.

Maybe through death I will find my release.

Ill fight till I die..

ttfn

Welp first treatment

2010-01-12T01:40:00.000-05:00

I am death walking... I ate bad idea... Air taste like metal or even blood... I feel so bad.. no one to talk to about it. Can not talk to Calvin about how I feel cause I feel I make him uncomfortable.. Love that guy what a amazing friend. Sorry ive put so much on him.

Till Next Time.

TTFN

Chemo in the morning

2010-01-11T00:30:00.000-05:00

Not looking forward to it.. No im not lol

The course of true love never did run smooth.
William Shakespeare

Love from one side hurts,
but love from two sides heals.
William Shakespeare

My day with Tay and my thoughts

2010-01-10T06:45:00.000-05:00

Had a awesome day today spent it with my babygirl Taylor. For those who do not know she is the daughter of ex. wife Erin. I spent many years being dad to her and over the last few years with the falling out with my ex we grew apart and I have missed her. But thats all gone now because it was awesome today. Me and her went and saw the movie Nine"musical" not the best but the music was good. And we ate at Red Robin our favorite place in the world!!

We talked about many things. She did something that you would never see a normal 12 year old do. She apologized to me for all the times she was hard headed and never listening to me. She told me she loves me and I told her I love her to and never stopped thinking of her as my daughter.

It was a amazing day one that ended with me hanging out with amanda, chris, Brandon, and his wife Jesse and there amazing little girl Zoe. Adorable.

The more ive been around little ones in the last month the more and more I want one.

Something else Ive thought about is the fact I am the last Gaines in this family bloodline. The Family name will end with me it seems.

I know it all seems silly. But I have been shown my own mortality recently and the chances of me surviving this are so slim. I just want to leave some type of legacy.

I love you guys.. I miss my conversations with Emily.. But she needs nothing from me anymore. I just wish we still had something. A friendship at least. I want her to be there if I get worse. It would be nice to have her caring voice on a phone just being her. A awesome friend. I may die next week with my start of chemo.. If I do I will find someway to contact her if I have to have someone drive me to her dorm and put my ass in a wheel chair and Ill sit out there till she comes and faces her old friend lol. Like that will ever happen. I am no longer desperate. I think I am more worried about her. And knowing that when I die how it will effect her. She may think right now she doesnt care or whatever. But honestly I know her so well I know if I die it will destroy her. Not in the love of a love one. But in the love of the sake of love. She may second guess herself with how she felt about me. But it was love. She just did not know it or how to deal with it. We both made mistakes. I just want to fix one in our lives before something bad happens.

I just want to repair our friendship and our silly hearts. We can still love each other and be with other people. Thats just something she will have to learn to deal with and not hide from.

I am sorry I scared you maam.

Erin thank you for stepping up and being there for me. You still have things yourself to work on. Please live your life to better it. And take care of your amazing little girl. I love you very much I am sorry things never worked out for us.

To the 2 women who I loved with so much of my heart. Please rejoice my crazy life. Please be safe and live long productive lives.

I task you both with striving to do great things! Help those who can not help themselves. Help yourselves.

Be what I saw in you both. Be awesome :) as I know you both are!

I love you

Michael Anthony Gaines born May 7th 1978 to Debbie Jean Wilkins and Michael Carnal Gaines

Brother to Angela Denise Stevens and Charles Ray Stevens Jr., Sharon Gaines.

Thursday...

2010-01-07T19:44:00.000-05:00

I will give my life for man. I will help people and be kind, and be a honest man to all.

I will die with free conscious with a heart heavy with love.

I will die alone.

But not truly.

Anger

2010-01-05T02:33:00.001-05:00

http://www.facebook.com/pages/3/love/125726296173?ref=ts

this says it all...

A Cure

2010-01-04T22:25:00.000-05:00

So I am sitting here in my recliner with god knows how much medicine running through my veins just meant to make me comfortable.

None of it to help get rid of whats killing me.

And why... Why for 40 years of knowing about this disease have we a people that pride themselves on innovation and science not come up with a cure?

We know how it works we know the dna structure we know everything we should to come up with a cure. Then why hell have we not?

I am so frustrated, So hopeless, so alone.

Dr. Visit

2010-01-04T18:32:00.001-05:00

Just bad... I am depressed that is all.

haha

2010-01-03T17:15:00.000-05:00

Even though I hurt like someone is hitting me with hot pokers in my side. I still find time to work in some old relationship pain in there from time to time to lighten the mood.

FUCK me

Now im sitting here watching Hannah Montana lol its the one with her on the ss tipton with zack and cody lol

eh

why am i watching Disney I am 31 years old. But I am amused...

That is all.

Home

2010-01-03T00:52:00.000-05:00

I am home and its nice to be in my own bed again.

But I love and miss my sister, she is the most awesome sister a man could ever have. A heart of gold who would do anything for anyone.

Matt your not half bad yourself.

Reiley your just awesome plain and simple.

Ty for gifting me with time with you guys over the holidays.

I am now going to pass out.. I feel so bad...

Good Night and love you all.

Mike

:)

2010-01-02T04:51:00.001-05:00

How odd is it that I am happy for my ex. I am not sad or mad anymore. Sure I am lonely but I wont stay this way. Someone will love me the way I deserve one day!

2010-01-01T04:56:00.000-05:00

Love this picture

Doggie Dreams

2010-01-01T04:53:00.000-05:00

Aww poor Kylie

Kylie was having a nightmare in her sleep and it woke up Sasha. My puppy rolled over and started comforting her lol then Kylie wakes up and starts growling at her hehe. Sasha is like well fine then. Rolls back over and goes back to sleep with one of those deep breaths sighs.

I love my Dog she is just like me. Cares first regardless of the treatment we get in return!

Love you Sasha.

Last 11:11 of 2009

2009-12-31T23:10:00.000-05:00

Making a wish ;)

I hope my last wish of the year comes true! Please god. I do not pray to you much if ever for anything.

But Just this once. Grant me this one thing.

Oh and cure my cancer :)

Happy New Years Folks see you all in 2010

Now make a wish!

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne ?

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
And surely you'll buy your pint cup !
and surely I'll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS
We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we've wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS
We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine† ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS
And there's a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o' thine !
And we'll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

Closure

2009-12-31T02:09:00.000-05:00

Closure is so hard to find, But Sitting here I was finally able to obtain it. By being happy for my former love.

Each person is different, I personally have never found release this way before. It all happens one day if you just try.

I love my ex but she is my ex. But she is and always will be my friend.

I wish her luck and I hope to see so many wonderful smiles in the future. It will sadden in a small way its not me making her smile. But the happiness I find in knowing shes happy is worth so much more.

Now I think I am taking Sasha girl out and then going to bed. Busy day tomorrow.

Its the NEW YEAR coming!!

:) Babysitting my Nephew

2009-12-30T22:55:00.000-05:00

My sister is sick poor thing so I was tasked with hanging out and taking care of my nephew today!

It has been a blast
He is one cool 6 year old. Reminds me of when i was younger and helped take care of Anthony when he was growing up. I really love kids and I am torn now with how my life is going.

I mean I am freaking dieing... What do I do.

I want to be there for them if I ever have one.

I have already missed out because of Christina.. Ever since that cold day I was crushed inside about having my own. I lost hope. Then I had my surgery a few years ago. I have to have another one or get lucky.. surgery.

I just want a family and life. Ive been through the party's and clubs and being a kid.. It was cool for the year or so but got so empty.

I found get together's with friends at homes or comfortable places like that, so much more that huge crowds, Though I do love concerts..

I drifted off there

dang it

I just want kids a family a caring wife. I have the home lol. the dog. a job is only a few trys away unless my book sells.

I just have this one little small problem.

Cancer - its the real fun killer

ttfn

Mike

My Treatment

2009-12-30T01:26:00.000-05:00

Zevalin® (ibritumomab tiuxetan) is a form of radioimmunotherapy (a radiolabeled monoclonal antibody) indicated for treatment of patients with relapsed or refractory, low grade or follicular B-cell non-Hodgkin's lymphoma (NHL) or for patients with previously untreated follicular NHL who achieve a partial or complete response to first-line chemotherapy. "Refractory" refers to a disease that is no longer responding, or never responded, to common treatments.

Zevalin is the first radioimmunotherapy treatment to be FDA-approved as part of first-line therapy for follicular NHL. Radioimmunotherapy (RIT) is an innovative form of cancer treatment with a mechanism of action that is different from traditional chemotherapy. RIT builds on the combined effect of a targeted biologic monoclonal antibody augmented with the therapeutic effects of a beta-emitting radioisotope.

The Zevalin therapeutic regimen consists of rituximab, Indium-111 radiolabeled Zevalin (In-111) for imaging and Yttrium-90 radiolabeled Zevalin (Y-90) for therapy In-111 Zevalin for imaging allows doctors to use imaging equipment to trace the distribution of Zevalin through the body and make sure that significant amounts are not going to vital organs. The Zevalin therapeutic regimen is given on the following schedule:

Day One: Premedication with acetaminophen and diphenhydramine followed by administration of rituximab . Within 4 hours of rituximab infusion, treatment, In-111 Zevalin is given as an intravenous injection.
Day Three or Four: An imaging scan is done to confirm that the biodistribution of In-111 Zevalin in the body is acceptable and the patient can receive the therapeutic dose of Y-90 Zevalin.
Day Seven, Eight or Nine: Premedication with acetaminophen and diphenhydramine followed by administration of a rituximab infusion. Within 4 hours of the rituximab infusion, Y-90 Zevalin is given as an intravenous injection. Y-90 Zevalin is a monoclonal antibody combined with a radioisotope that attacks B-cells and is the therapeutic component of the Zevalin therapeutic regimen.; Theres more but im done with this and will know soon enough whats going on. A New Year and New life, Once to live!

Pain

2009-12-30T00:58:00.001-05:00

Anger,Hate,Fear,Jealousy,Loathing out of all of these feelings, Indifference is the worse to have aimed at you. So I ask anyone who just stops being something to someone. Stop and look what your doing to that person. You inflict pain with out care and with out feelings. You do the most damage when none was needed. Silence is the worse pain of all.Bit of advice from someone who has had this done to him in the past.

Cancer news

2009-12-29T15:03:00.002-05:00

Ill be dead and gone, seems like they waste so much time.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/29/health/research/29cancer.html?_r=1

best quotes from Anchorman

2009-12-29T14:28:00.003-05:00

Ron Burgundy: [to dog] You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.

Ron Burgundy: I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

Frank Vitchard: I am gonna straight-up murder your ass.

Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh.
Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.
Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food. Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people
News Station Employee: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
News Station Employee: Smells like Bigfoot's dick.

Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.
Ron Burgundy: That's a given.
Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.
Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while.

Veronica Corningstone: This is pathetic.
Ron Burgundy: You're pathetic.

Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?
Brian Fantana: Panda Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.
[to the Panda]
Brian Fantana: Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out of here, Panda Jerk.
Ron Burgundy: Great story. Compelling, and rich.

Veronica Corningstone: Take me to Pleasure Town.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, we're going there.

Ron Burgundy: [riding unicorns through cartoon Pleasure Town] Look, the most glorious rainbow ever.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh. Do me on it.

Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
[opens cologne cabinet]
Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.
Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.
Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Brian Fantana: Yep.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.
[cheesy grin]
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.
Brian Fantana: Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
[snarls]

Champ Kind: What's it like, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: The intimate times? Outta sight, my man.
Brian Fantana: No, the other thing - love.
Brick Tamland: Yeah, what is that?

Ron Burgundy: Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.
Brian Fantana: I don't know, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.

Brian Fantana: [seriously] I'm telling you, this lady has really crawled into Ron's head.
Brick Tamland: [breaks out laughing] That's a good one.

Veronica Corningstone: Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.

Ron Burgundy: [to waiter] I'll have three fingers of Glenlivet, with a little bit of pepper... and some cheese.

Ron Burgundy: [playing flute solo] Hey, Aqualung.

Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me.
Ron Burgundy: What are you doing?
Veronica Corningstone: I need this machine so I can watch a tape for a story.
Ron Burgundy: I'm using the tape. I'm showing Jeffrey my Emmy tape. We are watching history.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional, and I would like to be able to do my job.
Ron Burgundy: Big deal. I am very professional.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman.
Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke.
Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
Veronica Corningstone: I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.
Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker.
Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry.
Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you have bad hair.
Ron Burgundy: [insulted] What did you say?
Veronica Corningstone: I said... your hair... looks stupid.
[an A-bomb mushroom cloud is reflected in Ron's eyes; the knock-down drag-out fight begins]

Ron Burgundy: Oh Audrey - I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league. YOU HEAR ME? AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright?

Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica after the news has just gone off the air] You've got a dirty whorish mouth.

Announcer: [theme music begins] Channel 4 News, with five-time Emmy-award winning anchor Ron Burgundy. Champ Kind, Sports. Brick Tamland, Weather. And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana. It's the Channel 4 News at 6:00.
Ron Burgundy: Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.

Ron Burgundy: [picking his teeth] Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this.

Tino: We have a saying in my country - the coyote of the desert likes to eat the heart of the young and the blood drips down to his children for breakfast, lunch and dinner and only the ribs will be broken.

Ron Burgundy: For just one night let’s not be Co-workers. Let's be Co-people.

Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?
Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.
Champ Kind: Champ Kind.
Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.
Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.
Brick Tamland: Brian.
Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.
Brick Tamland: Veronica.

Ron Burgundy: Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!

[to Baxter]
Ron Burgundy: What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.

Ron Burgundy: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.
[Veronica turns and walks away]
Ron Burgundy: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I... I wanna be on you.

Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
Veronica Corningstone: Really.
Ron Burgundy: People know me.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.
Ron Burgundy: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Wes Mantooth: What, you guys can't say one thing? Even the guy that can't think said something. You guys just stand there? Come on.

Ron Burgundy: 1001, 1002, 1003.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

[following morning after Veronica compliments Ron's prowess]
Veronica Corningstone: Well done sir.
Ron Burgundy: And a tip of the cap to you, Miss Corningstone.

Ron Burgundy: Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and now we are in love!
[Brian shuts office door]
Ron Burgundy: Did I say that loud?
Brian Fantana: Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.

Ron Burgundy: Sweet Lincoln's mullet.

Frank Vitchard: [after having his other arm ripped off by a bear]
[shouts]
Frank Vitchard: Aw, c'mon! It's getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous.

Angry Biker: What do you love?
Ron Burgundy: I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.
Angry Biker: Well, now, guess what, this is happening.
[grabs Baxter]
Ron Burgundy: Excuse me... excuse me... what are you doing?
[biker punts Baxter over bridge]
Angry Biker: That's how I roll.

Ron Burgundy: I'm in a glass case of emotion.

Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
Ed Harken: Dammit. Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?

Ron Burgundy: [Ron's dog barks at him] You know I don't speak Spanish.

Bartender: You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and you're going to learn how to deal with it.
Ron Burgundy: What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish.

Brian Fantana: Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom.
Champ Kind: It is anchor*man*, not anchor*lady*. And that is a scientific fact.
Brick Tamland: I don't know what we're yelling about.
Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?
Ron Burgundy: [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible. She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon.
Brick Tamland: [shouts] Loud noises.

Brick Tamland: [when Veronica is replacing Ron after he fails to turn up] You're not Ron...

Ron Burgundy: Don't you know I'd never say fuck. Fuck.

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.

Ron Burgundy: I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Ron Burgundy: [after jumping into the grizzly bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.

Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
Ron Burgundy: I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?
Brick Tamland: I don't know.

Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.
Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!
Ron Burgundy: Hey, let's leave the mothers out of this.

Ed Harken: A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.
Champ Kind: What in the hell's diversity?
Ron Burgundy: Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
Ed Harken: Ron, I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned about the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try.

Brian Fantana: Ron, I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want her to live.

Ron Burgundy: Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
Veronica Corningstone: You weren't here. Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?
Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you did this to me. You read my news.
Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.
Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. Veronica had a very funny joke today. I laughed at it later that night.
Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you.
Ron Burgundy: Get out. Just go. We are through. Through. Because of your actions, you scorpion woman.
Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.

Brian Fantana: That was one crazy party. I am hung over.
Champ Kind: I woke up on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would NOT stop screaming.
Brick Tamland: I ate a big, red candle.

[first title card]
Title card: The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.

Ron Burgundy: [singing] Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.
Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland: [singing] Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.
Ron Burgundy: You guys have it, I think.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
Champ Kind: I don't know Ron, That sounds kinda crazy.
Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
Brick Tamland: Yeah you got mental problems, man.
Brian Fantana: Yeah, he really does.
Brick Tamland: Man.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.

Ron Burgundy: The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show...
[kisses his biceps]
Ron Burgundy: and see if she likes the goods.

Ron Burgundy: [answers the phone in a very distressed manor] "Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin? Hello? Who is this? Baxter... is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if your in Milwaukee... Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?

Ron Burgundy: [Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind making prank phone calls to Veronica Corningstone] This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.

Wes Mantooth: I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you.

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I am a professional and I would like to do my job.
Ron Burgundy: Big deal. I am very professional.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I'm a MAN, I am an ANCHORMAN.
Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke.
Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

Ron Burgundy: Great Odin's raven.

Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone as the news has just gone off the air] You're a real hooker. I'm gonna slap you in public.

Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone] I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.

Spanish Anchor: Policia.

Ron Burgundy: [sporting an erection after talking to Veronica, addressing the office] Don't act like you're not impressed.

[Ron bribes the announcer]
Announcer: You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.
Veronica Corningstone: Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.

Ron Burgundy: The human torch was denied a bank loan.

Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor...
Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke. I even wrote it down in my diary - Veronica had a very funny joke today. I laughed about it later that night.

[first lines]
Bill Lawson: [narration] There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man then the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.

Ron Burgundy: It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.

Veronica Corningstone: ...and that can be very distracting. Okay, so when we get to the pet shop...
Brick Tamland: [while coughing] Cough. Look over here.
[spoken]
Brick Tamland: Excuse me, Veronica?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes? What is it, Brick?
Brick Tamland: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me?
Brick Tamland: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?
Veronica Corningstone: Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?
Brick Tamland: That's it.
Veronica Corningstone: Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?
Brick Tamland: No. Yes. He did.
Veronica Corningstone: Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
Brick Tamland: Very well. Ian, would you like to go to a party in my pants?
Ian: No, Brick.
Brick Tamland: All right. Let's go.
[runs off, there is a sound of crashing off screen]
Brick Tamland: It's all right. I'm all right.

Brian Fantana: Where is the suit store? We've been walking for forty-five minutes.
Champ Kind: Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.
Brick Tamland: Fantastic.
Ron Burgundy: Well, is it a shortcut or not?
Brick Tamland: Okay.

Ron Burgundy: Do you guys really want to know what love is?
Brick Tamland: More than anything in the world, Ron.

Ron Burgundy: [driving in car, speaking to Baxter] Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.
[throws burrito out the window]

Champ Kind: Tell me about it, this morning, I woke up and I shit a squirrel, but what I can?t get is the damn thing is still alive. So now, I've got a shit covered squirrel running around my office and I don't know what to name it.
Brick Tamland: O, I'm sorry champ, I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

Ron Burgundy: [picking up phone] Ron Burgundy. Stay classy, San Diego. Hello, Baxter? Baxter, is that you? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the decency to say something.
[falls off chair screaming]

Veronica Corningstone: Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.

[subtitled conversation between Ron's dog Baxter and an attacking bear]
Baxter: Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.
Bear: We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.
Baxter: On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.
Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.
Baxter: I will tell tales of your compassion.
Bear: Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.

Ron Burgundy: [while both characters are riding on horses through a cartoon Pleasure Town] I freakin' love you.
Veronica Corningstone: I freakin' love you back.

Ed Harken: [on the phone] I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.

Ron Burgundy: Son of a bee-sting.

Brick Tamland: Where'd you get your clothes... from the... toilet store?

Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego.

Brick Tamland: I pooped a hammer.

Brick Tamland: I pooped a Cornish game hen.

Wes Mantooth: I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale?

Brick Tamland: [riding a bear] Hey, Ron. I'm riding a furry tractor.

Bill Lawson: [voiceover] Brick Tamland is married with 11 children and is one of the top political advisors to the Bush White House.

Spanish Anchor: Como estan, beetches?

Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.
Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?
Brian Fantana: I don't remember.
Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Brian Fantana: Damn it.

Brick Tamland: I love... carpet.
[pause]
Brick Tamland: I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp. I love lamp.

Brick Tamland: I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.

Ed Harken: [on the phone with his son] Put down the gun, and let the marching band go. We'll play it off as a prank.

Angry Biker: I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass.
Ron Burgundy: If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for ya, right here.

Public TV News Anchor: Not so fast, you ingrates. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials, no mercy.

Ron Burgundy: I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady.

Ron Burgundy: Knights of Columbus, that hurt.

Veronica Corningstone: [in bear pit] In case we die here today, there's something that you should know. That dirty trick with the Teleprompter. It wasn't...
Ron Burgundy: Sweet Eli Whitney's nose. It wasn't you, was it? It was Wes Mantooth. Oh, I should have known.
Veronica Corningstone: No, no. No, I did it.
Ron Burgundy: [screams] You bitch.
[bears wake up]
Ron Burgundy: You woke up the bears. Why did you do that?

[last lines]
Ron Burgundy: We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment...
Brian Fantana: Don't say anything Ron and just let it happen.
Ron Burgundy: ...laughing and enjoying our friendship, and someday we'll look back on this with much fondness.
Brian Fantana: Yeah, yeah.

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you have a *massive* erection.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, uh, it's the pleats...

Ron Burgundy: [doing mouth exercises] How now brown cow.

Ron Burgundy: By the beard of Zeus.

Ron Burgundy: I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.

Brick Tamland: [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

Brick Tamland: I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my tummy itches.

Brian Fantana: So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at nine, instead of eight.
Ron Burgundy: Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.

Bill Lawson: Bob Dylan once wrote, The times, they are a-changin. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song.

Ron Burgundy: This is Ron Burgundy, proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News. Today's story is one of the more remarkable things ever to happen to San Diago or even the world. But in order to properly retell it, I'm going to need some help from my co-anchor, Miss Veronica Corningstone.
Brick Tamland: [comes on camera] High Pressure systems...
Ron Burgundy: [shoves Brick] No, no, no, no, Brick.

Ron Burgundy: [looking at his reflection in the mirror] Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone come see how good I look.

Ed Harken: Sweetheart, you and I have had this discussion a million times. There's never been a woman anchor.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Harken, this city needs its news. And you are going to deprive them of that because I have breasts? Exquisite breasts? Now, I am gonna go on, and if you want to try and stop me, bring it on. Because I am good at three things: Fighting, screwing, and reading the news. I've already done one of those today, so what's the other one gonna be? Huh?
Ed Harken: [thinks about it] Screwing?

[from trailer]
Ron Burgundy: Hey Garth. How's the divorce?
Garth Holliday: Oh, not so good... I'll probably never see my kids again...
Ron Burgundy: FAN-tastic.

Brian Fantana: People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.

Spanish Anchor: Tonight's top story: The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood.

Ron Burgundy: [to an offscreen cameraman] I'm on right now?... I don't believe you.
[goes on smoking]

Brick Tamland: [after a rival news team insults Ron and the team] Heinie...
[laughs]
Brick Tamland: He said heinie.
Champ Kind: Brick, get back over here.

Ron Burgundy: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.
Frank Vitchard: Oh yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place

Ron Burgundy: Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe.

Frank Vitchard: [after getting his right arm sliced off by a machete] I did *not* see that coming.

Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
Brick Tamland: Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna.

Brian Fantana: That was some crazy party. I am hungover.
Champ Kind: Tell me about. I mean I woke up and I shit a squirrel. I mean it. Literally. And the hell of it is- the damn thing's still alive. So now I got this shit-covered squirrel sittin' down in the office. Don't know what to name it.
Brick Tamland: Sorry, Champ. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

Ron Burgundy: I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it.

Ed Harken: Apparently, my son was on something called "Acid," and was shooting a bow and arrow into a crowd.

Ron Burgundy: [after smelling the Sex Panther cologne] It's a formidable scent. It stings the nostrils. I'm gonna be honest with you, Brian, that smells like pure gasoline.

Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica] It's all right, my sweet chinchilla.

Ron Burgundy: [singing drunk] ... Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon deliiiight... Ahh... I make fart-noises with my mouth, and I like it cause...
Bartender: Hey nutjob, quit the singing! You creeping out all the regulars.
Ron Burgundy: I'm expressing my inner anguish THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG!

Ron Burgundy: [after Brian introduces Ron to a girl, who then later points toward her breasts] Uh-oh. She pointed to her boobies.

Ron Burgundy: [signing off] You stay classy, Planet Earth.

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Harkin, I just wondering if you knew when my office would be ready.
Ed Harken: Well, that might take some time. For now why don't you just grab a desk in the bullpen?
Ron Burgundy: [shouting in a monotonous voice] YOU CAN USE MY OFFICE AND AFTERWARDS, MAYBE WE CAN GO TO LUNCH.
Ed Harken: Lower your voice, Ron.

Champ Kind: Champ here! I'm all about havin' fun. You know, get a couple cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen. Maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off. Anyway, I kinda known for my catch phrase WHAMMY! As in Gene Tenace at the plate... iiittt WHAMMY! WHAMMY!

Ron Burgundy: The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.

Ron Burgundy: Antony and Cleopatra!

Ron Burgundy: Go easy on her, guys, she has feelings too, you know.
Brian Fantana: Listen to Burgundy, he sounds like some school-boy bitch.
Champ Kind: You sound like a gay.
Ron Burgundy: Hey, this is me - Papa Burgundy. As far as I'm concerned Corningstone's fair game. Let the games begin. Wey-ho. Wey-ho.
Brian Fantana: There he is, there he is... I'm very aroused

Public TV News Anchor: This is a great shot. Am I right Frank?
Frank Vitchard: I'm not talking to you because you cut off my arm.

Brick Tamland: Any moment now, a stork will come in with the new baby panda. Let's just see if I can see what's going on there.
[looks through the crowd at the panda giving birth]
Brick Tamland: Oh God...
[starts crying]
Brick Tamland: No... I don't understand...

[to Brian Fantana]
Zoo Keeper: Excuse me... is that 'sex panther' you're wearing?

Ron Burgundy: Let's dance, dickweed.
Wes Mantooth: You wanna dance, Burgundy?
[whips out a knife]
Wes Mantooth: I wanna polka.

Angry Biker: You've just destroyed the only thing I've ever loved. All right, there it is. What do *you* love?

Brick Tamland: Mm. I just burned my tongue.

Ron Burgundy: [the news team is in the bear pit, fighting] Hit 'em in the uvula!

Ed Harken: Ron, are you paying attention?
Ron Burgundy: Nope!

Wes Mantooth: Today we spell "redemption"... R-O-N.

Champ Kind: He's standing in the middle of the baseline saying, "You gotta take home plate from me!" So there I go head first...

Ron Burgundy: [playing jazz flute] Little Ham 'n Eggs comin' at ya, hold on people hope ya got your griddles...

Custodian: This is worse than that time the raccoon got in the copier!

Ron Burgundy: Let's go over the groundrules. Rule number 1: No touching of the hair or face... AND THAT'S IT!

Garth Holliday: You come out with stink like that. Poop. You poopmouth, with poop out of your mouth.
Ron Burgundy: Garth, if I would give you some money out of my wallet, would that ease the pain?

Champ Kind: What do you say if we go out on a date? Have some chicken, maybe some sex... You know, see what happens.

[addressing someone off-camera, who we can't see]
Ron Burgundy: How are you? You look awfully nice today. Maybe don't wear a bra next time... No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?

Ron Burgundy: [doing voice exercises] The arsonist had oddly shaped feet.

Ron Burgundy: [doing voice exercises] Unique New York.

[TV edit]
Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgundy. You're a little bitch, San Diego.

Ron Burgundy: Look, the most glorious rainbow ever!
Veronica Corningstone: Do me on it!

Public TV News Anchor: Well, it looks like we got ourselves a bi-lingual bloodfest.

Brian Fantana: I give this little cookie an hour before we're doing to no-pants-dance. Time to musk up.
Ron Burgundy: Wow... Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne are you gonna go with? London Gentlemen or... Wait... No no no, hold on - Black Beard's Delight.
Brian Fantana: No. She gets a special cologne. It's called Sex Panther, by Odeon. It's illegal in 9 countries. Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.
Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent... Stings the nostrils... In a good way.
Brian Fantana: Yep.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you. That smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They've done studies. 60% of the time, it works every time.
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.

Waiter at Tino's: May I take your order?
Ron Burgundy: Yes, I am going to have three fingers of Glenlivet with a little bit of pepper, and, uh, some cheese.
Waiter at Tino's: Very good.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, I'll take a Manhattan, and kick the vermouth in the side with a pair of steel-toed boots.
Waiter at Tino's: Certainly.
Ron Burgundy: Thank you, Scott.
[to Veronica]
Ron Burgundy: Wow. Quite a drink order.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, well, when in Rome.
[chuckles]
Ron Burgundy: Yes? Please, go on.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, do as the Romans do?
[after Ron's blank look]
Veronica Corningstone: It's an old expression.
Ron Burgundy: Oh! I've never heard of it. It's wonderful, though.

What to do

2009-12-28T21:47:00.000-05:00

So I have been behaving on Facebook leaving someone alone and I admit to jumping on DA from time to time and I do check up on a old friend. Seems I made a mistake in trusting someone with my health issues. This would be someone of course i found off her list. Who had recently suffered a loss. I made sure to not mention anything about her I just talked about my health issues with this person and he was very nice. but he posted about me on his blog on DA and I think she guessed it was me. Go figure.

Gah I am not stalking her. I get on DA maybe 2 or 3 times a week. And really I do so to help me get over her. I figure in small doses over a period of time I will just get to the point where I no longer even look. It was working. But he is clueless to what he started. I had a weak moment and just wanted to help someone who was grieving. and he helped me.

And now I caused more issues. I give up and do not want too but i do.

I just miss my friend. what in the hell is wrong with this?

So fine...

She wins and everyone else wins. I quit.
Life was just so much better for me when she was in it. Who can fault me for wanting to try and keep a small part of her in my life.

Mike Z

Something I told a teenager I met tonight on fb

2009-12-28T04:35:00.000-05:00

When i feel the pain and torment that makes me want to do harm to myself. I think to myself why me.. why am i hear , that I would be so much better dead. Then I think I can not quit life. Quiting is honestly worse the death.and i remind myself Life is for living. and that i should live my life and just love myself for being able to do so.

because even if death seems a easy release

Life can really be so much better with us in it. if we just care to live it. we have to care. with out care the world would be lost with out us

She seemed so down.. But honestly I tried to convince her she had so much to live for. That sometimes life is not easy but a test to what we should be.

IF WE live life we win

If we quit we all lose.

Live Life

Did this photo collage thing on fb and look at the pics it added.

2009-12-27T16:58:00.000-05:00

I LOVE ALL OF THESE PHOTOS

End of Christmas

2009-12-26T01:01:00.000-05:00

Welp after a good christmas.. Only thing missing was just a few small things.. well not really small to me but it would seem small to others.

Anyways.. Enough dwelling on the past. it is what it is and will be what it is for how ever long it is.

I am going to survive this.. With or with support. So what ever!

I love my family and Friends.

Today was a great day.

I ran and walked through the snow with Sasha, she loved it.

Opened gifts
Mr potato heads are awesome. there custom ones so hush.

My sis bought me a Camera :) just like the one i was renting so hot damn!! A new trimmer.
candy :) new hoodie go air force haha beanie, or toe bogon and new boots that I love!!

We watched movies tonight and we played and had christmas dinner. I am really happy right now.

I just miss my friends and well I miss Emily. She can not be concerned with the likes of me lol i know. but does not mean someone can not be concerned with her.

Also
Erin thanks for working on fixing our friendship and checking on me so much. You have helped me so much with dealing with things and with my sickness.

Thank you Dewie means alot to me that even after everything we went through I can still count on you to be my friend. love you

Michael.

2009-12-25T12:20:00.000-05:00

:) Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T11:42:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas to

Angi,Mawmaw, Nana, Reiley, Tim, Nick, Matt, Charles, Beverly, Anthony, Calvin, Goen, Amanda, Chris, Scott, Milan, Ray, Bill, Dillon, Brandon, Kyrstal, All my friends from winston you all know who you are!!, Harinlanchana, Yoshi,Cora, Harry, Brea, Kristy, Mac, Brian, Corey, Sarah, GS and EB crews,NorthGate Mall, Joe and the theater group!! And to all my Durham friends you know who you all are too!!
To TayTay you are a amazing child, And Katrina you may not know me yet. But you will in the future.

To the two women in my life the last 8 years Erin and Emily. Thank you for helping make me the man I am today. I owe you both so much. In your own ways you helped make me who I am for good and bad. I love you both and always will.

And to Mom and Dad for giving the world a gift hehe ok ok maybe not a gift but another dreamer and creator in to this world 31 years ago. I love you both so much!!

If some how I missed someone in here I am sorry. I rushed through this list. Feel free to comment on here and let me know I had a brain fart and I will fix this. And please do not let my ommision hurt your feelings in anyway.

And with that

Merry Christmas to all
And to all I wish Holiday Cheer!!

Michael

Kind of Sad

2009-12-25T11:28:00.000-05:00

No one woke me up for the kids opening there gifts. Or did I sleep through them trying?

Was going to tape them all opening there gifts..

Anyways no need to be upset I guess they let me sleep late.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I hope everyone is doing great today!!

Christmas eve.

2009-12-24T15:29:00.000-05:00

Well today started off rough so far. I feel pretty bad but im going to tough through it and go make snow angels :) I am trying to have fun out here and doing things I never get to do.

Like make snow angels hehe.

Wish me luck!!

Ill post later tonight!!

Almost Christmas!!

TTFN
Z

listening to the ticking of a clock

2009-12-24T00:11:00.002-05:00

So I am laying here in bed. Thinking about a million things.. I miss so many things in my life.

I am dealing though. Something is ruling me more these days. And thats regret. I regret pushing to hard, not saying the right thing when needed and not being the person who I was suppose to be for so long. We all make mistakes and always will.

A mistake I am making now is staying fully in love with someone who refuses to even act like I am alive. I should be hurt, Mad at her. But I am not. I made her who she became. I am only to blame.

Doctor told me today my white cells are back up... And im feeling sick again. I hope this last treatment worked. Its playing havok on my body. But my sister is taking care of me. I may lose my battle. And lose everything. Sad thing is only thing I want is to talk to her. To be friends again. But I fear her fear of what she feels may ruin what she has worked so hard to gain. But I am most likely off base here.

Anyways. I at least get to enjoy the snow. may even be my last. But I enjoy it and everyday that I wake up.

I love my family, My friends and my kitten.

Me and Sasha miss you.

Mike Z

TTFN

in the nations capital

2009-12-23T12:15:00.001-05:00

Welp im in DC. Going to go enjoy it now!!!

Love you guys!

Mike Z

Just got home

2009-12-22T12:56:00.002-05:00

Finished my last Immunotherpy treatment. Im a bit out of it lol. Feel like crap.

But going to DC today Can not wait to hang out with my sis and her family :)

Going to miss durham though. and the people here. even if they wont miss me.

TTFN

Z

Tired

2009-12-21T23:21:00.003-05:00

I think because im tired right now I am in kind of a depressed mood. All the energy ive had since friday is gone. I know this is all because I have only slept 3 hours but just a little scared it could be my cell count going back up. Tomorrow might be tough. But I will live.

Live... Such a word. How does someone live. what are your goals in life. what makes you tick. What makes you a person. Someone worth something. Someone people love and not hurt. Trust, A person people look up to. How does someone live.. Who judges and tells you whats right and whats wrong?

Life.. is it what you make it or is it what others tell you it is.

I see so many people letting others thoughts and opinions make there decisions for them. They end up letting others make there choices for them instead of facing the hard things in life themselves. This lets them blame others for there mistakes. I know this is true hell ive done it in the past. If everyone as a group agree then its ok for you to be that way. They tell you that you made the right choice. yet how do they know. Do they know the whole story? Do they know both sides? are they influanced by others themselves?

See I need to live my life with out outside people telling me what to do. Sometimes its the hardest thing in life to do is to make a hard choice. Sometimes the easy things in life are not what you need or really want.

I love my life, sure I regret things. certain things that have hurt me I still would not trade for anything! Because its the life we choose not one chosen for us thats worth living for.

I hope that god sees fit to grant me a few more years... I plan on using my time wisely from now on and not waste life with so much instant gratification.

I will not be seeking a relationship anytime soon if ever again. Not because im afraid of being hurt but because honestly I do not feel I can give my heart to anyone. Not for a long time. Ive been asked out no less than 3 times hung out with them and felt nothing.

I do not want anyone to be a rebound. I just can not feel anything right now. I love being with people. But I need to be alone for a while to deal with myself before i can deal with another person on such a emotional level. It just wont be right nor feel right.

I love someone.. and I can not turn it off yet. Ill get there maybe someday.

Just got to get there.

TTFN

Tomorrow I will be with my family for the first time in 2 years. just me and them.

I look forward to it.

Love you all

Mike Z

Today

2009-12-21T17:13:00.002-05:00

Has been a quiet day. Went and saw avatar in 3d with Dillon and Brandon. Worked on a few things around the house. Realized how tired I was right about now.

whew.. I am beat.

Final Treatment tomorrow for my immunotherpy!! Hot damn Hope it works I mean it!! This could be a awesome setup for a very good year indeed. Or it could be bad very bad.

After treat Im going home and resting till brother Matt is ready to take me back to DC.

Then I am spending Christmas with my sister and her family. :)

I have so much to be happy for now. where not so long ago I did not. I know now who my real friends are and who really loves me.

Till next time

TTFN

1337

2009-12-21T05:31:00.001-05:00

I just sat here watched Invader Zim and tossed a rubber bouncy ball 1337 times. I have so much energy right now its kind of scary. Think I am going to go do sit ups and push ups..

Yeah I am.

ttfn

I loveeeeeeee youuuuuu

2009-12-21T02:07:00.003-05:00

HaHa Phantom of the Opera was amazing I am so glad I went to see it. I wish me and Em could of gone together even as just friends I feel she would of enjoyed it.

I felt they produced the show so well and the music was superb of course!!

Music has become such a major part of my life in the last few years thanks to my bella that I just feel the need to revel in it so much.

Ohhhhhhh

So Phantom: Love Never Dies will be opening on Broadway Thursday Nov 11th 2010. I am going to make it to this show no matter the cost... I will make myself healthy I will beat my cancer and I will by god be there!!

So my zevelin treatments are going well, its amazing how much better I feel already. I feel human again able to control my emotions and no longer coughing every time I turn around. To bad I did not catch this back in september my life may be so much different now. root of my loss is cancer is can cause so much wrong in your life. And I blame it for my failings in the last parts of this year.

But I will beat it and I will make myself better and I will go on.. The Show must go on!!

TTFN folks!!

:) Excited

2009-12-20T16:05:00.002-05:00

"I gave you my music... made your song take wing... and now, how you've repaid me: denied me and betrayed me. He was bound to love you when he heard you sing... Christine... Christine..."

Going to see phantom of the opera tonight!!

My Favorite Musical of all time. And I like so many!

True life is better than movies....

2009-12-20T14:30:00.002-05:00

Ive heard I want the movie style romances... so much in the last month.

Well folks most of those romances last about 90 mins :)

I prefer the real thing you know the ones that last a life time. The ones that teach you that life is hard and you have to work at being happy.

Because if it comes easy... Then is it real?

Lust is fast..
Love lasts forever.

Z

Just woke up

2009-12-19T16:41:00.002-05:00

I slept the day away but it was worth it. I feel great. Saw her name on aim. felt on a pinge of sadness Ive decide it was not so much my loss as it was hers.

This medication and treatment I am on for the lymphoma has really brought me back to who I was.. I mean I feel normal for the first time in months.

Ive been sick for a long time and it seems the high white blood cell count and my illness really was effecting my judgement and actions. I smiled most of the day yesterday. And I am even looking forward to Christmas. I feel good.

Do not get me wrong I still miss the hell out of her. And I still love her with all my heart. I just accept the fact she does not love me and has moved on. I wish her luck and happiness in her life. I just wish I could of been part of it.

Now I wake up and my buddy Dillon is not able to get here because of the weather. Well I will have non of that nonsense. I am driving to winston to get him and bring him here. He should be able to have fun before boot camp. screw the weather!!

Not like ive never driven in this crap before. But non the less wish me luck.

I have awesome cds to listen to. :) they remind me of a awesome girl I once dated.

I have everything I need.

Mike Zaivor

Gah woke up late

2009-12-18T14:36:00.002-05:00

Thanks Amanda for calling. I need to start setting alarm again. This meds are making me sleep now. Now i need to get on a schedule again lol.

I got for my next immunaltherpy session shortly. Going to mess with me again this one though is less than the last one i do.

I had a bad emotional night last night I was up and down. And a good friend who I was never close too has really stepped up to help me out in this time I need it most. Thank you sir.

Well becoming a emotional wreck and having cancer has taught me to cherish the people in your life. Such a hard lesson to learn.

Em I miss you in all ways. Hope one day to talk to you again as a normal person!!

Welp shower facial shave and then to doctors.

Z

OMG no hair

2009-12-18T00:32:00.001-05:00

So ran my fingers through my hair today and pulled a patch out. Small bald spot but I decided it was time for it all to go.

so take a look.

yep

2009-12-17T16:32:00.002-05:00

I miss you... I can not say the ways that I do. I just do. Even now as you find happiness in another mans arms. I still remember the happiness with you in mine. I am heartbroken there is no other word that describes this. Even as I slowly die withering away... Your still the only thing I think about to this day. This was no crush or lust. This was my true hearts desire. You returned for a time... What a great time it was. I am sorry you grew conflicted you are suffering from youth. Where you feel life will pass you by when in truth life and love was standing right in front of you.

All you had to do was accept it for what it was and not listen to those outside thoughts of lust and social wanting.
I must of crushed you to make you so callous and mean. When in truth you destroyed me with lies and hiding the truth.

If you felt things were going bad. You should of told me and we could of worked on them. Given us a chance to fix things. But instead you took the easy road and ran.

I will not lie in my thoughts I feel he played the friend card perfectly to you. Played you like a harp. Its a game guys play with girls who are emotional. I had to stop when Brian was the one hurting you. But you fell for me anyways because I was persistent. Well you fell for someone else because he wore you down with charm. When you should of been thinking only of me you were thinking of him as well.

Slowly life this semester changed for you. To wanting to be with him and friends. I gave you this anytime you wished.

I did see all of them at the concert. I saw to much and left.

I love you for your heart and how i know you can be..

But in the end I now see..

those times you didnt want to talk, the time when you ran from me.

You were hiding the guilt, for hurting me.

You felt you were doing wrong. An you have hidden it with hate. when in reality all I did was fight for you. You twist it to being crazy. No the most lucid thing I have ever done was love you with all my heart.

I can still fix this if you could only find it in your heart. If he is really a friend he will wait.

I only have a small time left. And I would love to have you in my life.

I forgive you for the hurt and loss. Forgive me for what you feel i have done so wrong.
Let us be friends and talk.
You is all I want.

You will not miss out on life.

your 20 years old. And will out live me for sure.

I will only be a small part in yours, but you are a major part in mine.

I can not go on.. it hurts to think. Ill post later tonight about what all I found out today.

This poem is not mine but I love it so much.

One kiss to make it better
Just one is all I ask
To mend my broken spirit
To mend all that has passed

An 'I love you' is all I'm after
Just one, so I can breathe
To make this world seem better
To stop all that I bleed

You
You're what I've wanted
A distant dream I can't forget
Please, just let me hold you...

Look back...
That's all I'm thinking
As I watch you walk away

Regret
I'm slowly sinking

2am dec 17th

2009-12-17T02:02:00.002-05:00

WOW one month later...

So much has changed in a month. My best friend and girl friend decides she doesnt love me anymore. I become a psyco and end up ruining everything. well honestly we both did.

I leave GameFrog

Talk to my dad for the first time in almost 2 years.

Find out I am dieing of cancers yeah cancers plural.

Run into someone who has liked me from the moment they met me and never told me because I always had emily. I am shocked let me tell you.

I just I do not know what to do.

I can not just turn off my feelings for Emily no matter how bad she treats me. I loved her with all my heart. But I do not want to be alone...

I do not think now is a good time to date so soon after Emily. I can not just start spending time with someone and being close to them when just a month ago Emily was my world. I would be a asshole and a dishonorable person to just spit on my past with her. By just moving on so fast.

In order to have a future you must repair the past and make right the present.

I am so damn conflicted..

Z

Tough day today

2009-12-16T17:57:00.002-05:00

Woke up ok had 10 hours of sleep. yet this pain in my back keeps getting worse and worse. It is making me so bipolar I was happy then mad now depressed. I started thinking about things again and started freaking crying. So the anti depressants everything else there giving me is not helping. I today really feel like im dieing instead of just knowing I am.

I am scared...

And here comes the the rain..

Dec 15th

2009-12-15T12:05:00.002-05:00

Today is a very dear day to me. So much going on in my life and this one sweet moment made it all worth it to me.

We may not talk anymore, But you will always be in my heart. My best friend

I hope no matter where you find yourself in the future, Nor where I am in your past. I Hope life is treating you well. And you can look back on our days and smile.

Your pandito

Z

I feel at peace

2009-12-14T02:58:00.002-05:00

Had a amazing talk with a very old friend...

I need to calm the hell down and give her some space... Let her breath. if she comes back to me it will be on her own not anything I do. All I can do is be here if she does.

As for my cancer. It is what it is and if its bad I will deal with it. If it is better than that. I will be amazingly happy.

But I can not let myself down anymore. I have to try and be happy. We all screw up learn from it and honestly move on. If you move in a circle and run into each other again. I will be open to her and never closed. I do love her. I am sorry I scared you so much with being so overbearing. We all make mistakes. Please forgive me for mine.

Wish me luck tomorrow or should I say today!!

Now to watch Across the Universe.

TTFN

Do you believe me now?

2009-12-13T20:32:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kiKfrdcngLo

another note from facebook

2009-12-13T18:56:00.000-05:00

Friday, March 28, 2008 at 1:07pm | Edit Note | Delete
Well lets see today is Friday the 28th of March

3 years ago today was the last time I spent a long time with my mom...

We were on our way back from Orlando and i was driving and she was sleeping while my sister and nephew were sitting in the back of the Durango.

7 months later to the day my mom past away from heart failure due to the incompitance of her doctors. as you can tell i have not forgave them nor will i ever wish to forgive them for taking my best friend from me.

Its hard to think its been 2 and half years now since mom left us.. I started working with GameFrog the week she died. a sad annual event.

Holidays still suck as she was the glue for my family, I just can not let go that i failed her in someway and i know it takes time and im just working it out still.

sigh i miss you mom always will.

For those who dont truthfully know me.. I am sorry you never had the pleasure of meeting my mom. She opened her door to my friends who were in need only on the word of her blacksheep of a son "me"

She cried the day i moved out and the day i moved back in lol for diffrent reasons lol sorry mom

she put up with me and dad never getting along.. even though it hurt her...

She put the fear of god in me for ever disrepecting a woman. I have made mistakes mom but i still try to live by your words..

Thank you mom for lieing to me about you thinking my girlfriends were nice even though i know you hated 2 or 3 of them lol :amy: haha

Thank you for being there for me even when i had done something wrong.

thanks for picking me up when i fell down

Sigh I am honestly a better person because of my mother.

You people out there who get angry at there parents for not letting you do things you want.. or not buying you something. do not hold this in your heart as your parents will leave you sometime, and sometimes its sooner than you think. So forgive them because sometimes those who hurt you are doing it for your own good. regardless if we like it or not.

Creed

2009-12-13T18:55:00.000-05:00

Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 2:14pm | Edit Note | Delete
Друзья

Я говорю друг будет самыми важными людьми, котор вы всегда будете иметь в вашей жизни. Они становят как семья и выдвижение вы. Будут близкие друзья, и после этого будут люди, котор вы чувствуете смогли всегда быть больше к вам.

Высказывание раз, котор слышат ii1 русского было тем в полях ваша, котор жизнь смогла только быть рассужена той из вашей семьи работая они с вами.

Друг будет той семьей и правильное судья вас и вас должно всегда принимать они должна сказать вам если вы любите они или не. Я росли, что люблю моего друга в дорогах удивляли меня в моей жизни. Я находил через из мою жизнь в пробах и tribulations точно из ее ложны и поистине.

Я никогда не буду ложен в моей жизни снова и всегда устремлюсь быть более лучшей персоной чем я был днем раньше. Я задолжаю этому к моим друзьям и моей семье и к тем могут встретить меня in the будущее.

Я вожу с моим сердцем, после этого мой разум, после этого мои действия до шаги, котор я упоминал раньше.

Это будет мой creed. Это будет моя дорога в жизни. Это как моя жизнь всегда будет для теперь дальше. вспомните ваше прошлый и вырастите с будущим.

Затишье видит и ровный ветрилу.
Принятие окончательного решения Смелости Почетности

"з"

Friends

I say friend's are the most important people you will ever have in your life. They become like family and a extension of who you are. There are close friends, and then there are people you feel could always be more to you.

A russian saying i once heard was that in the fields your life could only be judged by those of your family working them with you.

A friend is that family and the proper judge of you and you should always accept what they have to tell you eaither if you like it or not.

I have grown to love my friend's in ways that have surprised me in my life. I have found through out my life in trials and tribulations exactly how much of it has been false and how much has been true. I will never be false in my life again and will always strive to be a better person than i was the day before.

I owe this to my friends and my family and to those who may meet me in the future.

I lead with my heart, then my mind, then my actions through the steps i have mentioned before.

This is my creed. This is my way in life. This is how my life will always be for now on. Remember your past and grow with the future.

Calm sees and smooth sailing.
Honor Courage Commitment

"Z"

post in notes from june on facebook

2009-12-13T18:54:00.002-05:00

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 at 9:49pm | Edit Note | Delete
So im sitting here waiting on a website im working on to finish uploading and I decided to write a note about things im thinking about.

Hmm I don't know where to start.

things at work are picking up so where I might of complained a week ago im not going to now.

Friends, I Have awesome friends and you all know who you are. And if you don't feel like I apreciate you then your wrong I do all of you.

Family - I am in regular contact with my brother now thanks to work and my sister on a everyonce in awhile basis. Hope she knows i love her!! :) Though the rest of my family is awol in my life. Maybe im selfish when it comes to this but i feel getting in touch is a two way street. I havnt recieved a call from my dad since april of 08. and the rest of my family would rather i call them than they call me. I am not counting my siblings. You guys are great.

My personal life... Here is something that bothers me. Though some on here know and some don't I am not single. Have not been for a while. She is a awesome person who I feel is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. There is a age diffrence but she looks past it as so do I. We never even joke about our ages except to tease once in a blue moon.

I have talked to her in some shape or form except for 5 times in the last year and a half, even before we started being serious. We became friends from almost the moment we met and over time grew past just being friends. She has a awesome family that have there moments as any family does. Now what bothers me is the fact that because of "circumstances" Her folks hate me. I mean it almost seems that they feel I am a vile creature bent on destroying there childs life and I should be at all costs avoided. We have kept our distances from each other me and her folks. Me mostly because she asked me too. She fears that her mom and dad will hate her because shes loves me. I feel horrible that I have caused this issue but I do not regret falling in love with her. Nor will I ever. I hope she doesn't eaither.

I wish that I could convince her family I am not a monster and that I have nothing but respect for them even now. With alot of pain being caused by this issue that I hope can just be thrown into one of lifes misunderstandings. I feel that if they got to know me maybe they would think diffrent. Maybe they could overlook age and circumstance. And just see me for who I am.

A guy hopelessly in love with her.

This is what im thinking about now.

Thanksgiving Note

2009-12-13T18:54:00.001-05:00

Note: This is the hardest thing you as a human should do. And I want all my friends to think about this. Do not be a person who says things you do not mean. Never be a person who is fake. Tell people how you feel at all times. And be honest. Do not play games. You will find life will be so much better if your arnt scared to be you and not waste words. Always be kind and never hurt those who love you. In the end do not play games with your heart or someone elses. Just be a good person. And the world can be a better place. This is me giving thanks to those who include me in your life. and honestly the only advice i can give that can help you all be happier. I love my friends and wish all of you a awesome holidays!! And i ask anyone i have wrong to find it in the hearts to forgive me.